im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
