I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
