I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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