No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
