Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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