3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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