Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
