I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
