she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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