Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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