The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
