Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
