i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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