god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
