bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
