i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have tasted many bathrooms
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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