im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
