Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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