onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
