If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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