Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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