i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
