He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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