Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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