and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
