I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
