Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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