apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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