Dude my mom stole all your condoms
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
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