What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
