Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
