sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
