And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
