I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
