Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
