I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
