Quick, to the slutcave!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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