Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
