Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
