I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
last night I used snow as a chaser
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
