i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
