Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
