I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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