I can text with my tongue
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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