sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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