Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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