Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
