Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Randomize
