It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
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