right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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