I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
